


I Can't Be In There With You

by thedrunkenwerewolf



Series: Heirverse: Phase 4 (Heir) [8]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-14
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-11-18 01:32:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18110531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedrunkenwerewolf/pseuds/thedrunkenwerewolf
Summary: Aizen reflects on his history with Gin, chessboards, and why he can't be inside the illusion with Gin, even though he would like to be.





	I Can't Be In There With You

**Author's Note:**

> Edit because I forgot in my rush to get this piece up: I do not own bleach. If I did, my Heirverse would be canon and I'd have MUCH less of a fanbase than Kubo does if it were.
> 
> Because the heirverse infects: this is Dedicated to [Timewaster123456789](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Timewaster123456789/pseuds/Timewaster123456789) for the fantastic homage and plot mechanics discussions. And to Kuroswaggy for the pretty pretty heirverse fanart - and agreeing to become my new cover illustrator! I'm so happy! ahh~ Even the wip's are gorgeous and I am STILL adjdjshcjsbdn-ing over them. I'm not crying with joy there's just a goddamn tree in my eyes. Here's to a long and wonderful partnership and mutual screaming over each others work *raises mug of tea* :)
> 
> Check their stuff both have mad skills :) K is located on DeviantArt as [Moon--Shield](https://www.deviantart.com/moon--shield). She's also working on a collaborative with [SesshomaruFreak](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SesshomaruFreak/pseuds/SesshomaruFreak), [Broken Icicles](https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12675709/1/Broken-Icicles), so check that out too.
> 
> okay onto this story:
> 
> *blames time waster for all of this because of that one heir comment she left on ch73* but I suppose it's revenge for the heirverse infecting Underbelly.
> 
> I wrote and outlined the majority of this on the inkpad app on my phone. Great app for today's on the go writer. And it's free. So I guess this story is sponsored by inkpad?
> 
> Notes: concurrent with Heir ch73. Heirverse story cross references. Spoilers for Heir so I do strongly Recommend reading Heir itself for context on this piece. Aizen's pov, written as though he is directly addressing Gin because that's just how it came to me. [Not even sure what person this is but just run with me here]. Faint Game, Say It and Survive echoes because I can. Use of the sappiest sun/moon/stars endearments known to mankind.
> 
> Heirverse readers: I hope you enjoy and that this gives you all the feelings.

  
Cover Illustration by [Moon--Shield](https://www.deviantart.com/moon--shield)

 

I sit in my hospital bed, oxygen mask clamped onto my face again, and I hold you close to me, feel you return my embrace. Your arms are locked tight around me, and I feel your face press into my neck as you inhale me. You are gentle, as I know you don't want to hurt me. My neck is still sore and my bruises still tender, and you do not wish to aggravate my injuries, though I know you want to squeeze me tight. I wait until your sobs soften and quiet. I allow this for a little while, before I try to disengage from you. I want to look at you, drink you in with my eyes, but you stop me.

"No," you tell me firmly. Terrified that if you let me go I'll somehow be taken away again. But I understand, and cease in my efforts to detangle myself from you with a soft sigh.

_This has all been very heartbreaking for Gin._  Kyouka tells me.  _He's not going to want to let go of you for a while. Be patient._

So I let you cling to me, squeezing you against me. Feeling your heart beat in time with my own. Wondering,  _How could I have forgotten this?_  All the warmth and contentment you make me feel, then and now. How I'd wanted nothing more in this universe than to make you happy. To see that smile and hear that laugh of yours.

I remember our first kiss, too.

I let out a soft sigh as I recall it. The way I'd caught you by surprise... the way you tasted. Inexperience rarely makes for fireworks in a kiss, or lovemaking, or anything. Yet you surprised me.

And again I wonder:  _How could I have ever forgotten this?_

It is your little sniff that brings me back to reality. Your voice.

"This has ta be a dream." you mumble. And without thinking, I croak out my question. Pain searing through my vocal chords again.

" _Why?"_

"I thought-" You take in a breath, compose yourself. I don't interrupt. I know better than to interrupt you in these moments. "Believed..." you correct yourself, "You'd only come back ta me when the sun rises in the west and sets in the east." Your voice is a whisper now, trembling with emotion as you speak, "When the rivers ran dry... and the mountains blew in the wind like leaves."

I give this some thought. Chewing it over in my mind.

When the sun rises in the west and sets in the east?

When all the rivers run dry?

And the mountains blow in the wind like leaves?

Hm...

I quietly call to Kyouka Suigetsu.

_Can you do it?_ I ask her.

_Of course I can,_  she answers.

_Will you?_

I can feel her impatience. Feel her desire, mirroring my own, to produce the imagery. Hear her contented sigh at the return of her sappy poet. The one who would hand you the moon and bottle up the stars if asked to. The man who would create – had created - Aurora Borealis just because you wanted to see it. The man who made you a sun.

_Don't ask me such silly questions, Sousuke._

I smile, then. A happy, giddy, idiotic grin I know you'd only laugh at if you were paying attention.

Because she is more than happy to produce this image for me. For you. Because we both know she was one of the forces in favour of us pursuing a life together. Even when that wrinkly old prude Yamamoto stood by and lectured me, forbidding it. Because it was 'inappropriate'. Because it was 'wrong'.

Perhaps it was. Not that I give a rats ass what that fool says about it.

I fought it, of course. Fought, resisted, dug in my heels. Fought it as I have fought love for decades... until you wore me down. Why you? I wondered. What was so different about you?

Perhaps because you saw through me at the start. Because you played my game at my level. Because you were the only one I could see being a worthy opponent on the mental chessboard. Who knows?

Your friend Rangiku would probably go on about fate and destiny and us being meant to happen and all that malarkey. But who can be sure if all that is true? I suppose in one of my more sentimental moments I might be inclined to agree with her. Though I do wonder sometimes what is it exactly you see in a fool like me.

I feel you calm somewhat in my arms, your terror loosening its hold over you. And I too, loosen my embrace, slowly, gently disengaging from you. Prising your arms and fingers off me, but carefully, because I know you still want to hold onto me, and you need my tenderness in these moments. Though to be fair, I want to be tender with you. You so rarely see my softer side, and I want to indulge you.

Once I settle your arms by your sides, I look for my zanpaktou at my hip, an old instinct. I am too used to having her at my side. My eyes cast about for her, and I find her on the table, my oxygen mask fogging up as I sigh in relief because she was never far from me. I take my blade in hand and hold her, ready to commence my plan.

"What're ya doin'?" you ask.

I just smirk in answer.

_You'll see._

I unsheathe Kyouka slowly, the metal of her blade singing. I feel her hum in my hand as we both smile at your confusion. We see your hesitation, as well, though you hide it well. I have only used Complete Hypnosis on you once before this. And your reaction was not pleasant for either of us. and I am certain your memories of the last time, of seeing my body butchered hanging on that wall for all to see, still haunt you to this day. But this illusion I hope will be well received. Kyouka assures me that it will be, but a faint nervousness still claws at me. I suppose even after all these decades I still want to impress you.

I do not need my voice to command my zanpaktou. She knows my will already, and she is more than happy to oblige me in this.

_Can you do it?_ I ask her again. Because I want to be sure.

I feel her smile softly at me.  _A silly question, Sousuke._

I smile at this, and begin.

You are confused for a moment before you fall into the trance. You go to fall sideways off the bed, but I catch you before you do, and pull you so you fall into my arms. And I and hold you. I hold you close and close my eyes, indulging myself in witnessing the illusion take shape in my mind. Taking deep breaths. I set Kyouka down at my side within easy reach of me, keeping her close so I can protect you. Not that I'm in any state to fend off intruders, but I like to keep her close should anyone try to wrench you away from me.

In my mind I see everything. Your confusion. Your curiosity as I build the canvas for my illusion around you. Your puzzled expression as around you I construct the illusion. My greatest masterpiece.

I make the white walls around you melt to the floor like wax, revealing the vast expansive white desert around us. I construct the dead and bare trees under the moonlight, and hollow bones scattered around them. Skulls and ribcages and femurs.

The equipment in the room fades away, too. Slowly vanishing and leaving you standing on the sand, looking bewildered. The mountains follow next, growing slowly out of the sand, inch by inch until they loom vast and tall. Towering over everything.

Next, I form the riverbed. The sand morphing into hard earth, just a few feet away from where you stand. A moment after, I start the river flowing, trickling down from the mountaintop and flowing down the empty riverbed and gushing past you. The water sloshing against the shallow river banks as it makes its way down.

I then solidify the sand beneath your feet into a large square patio of numerous concrete slabs with a large circular compass engraved into the stone. The directions of North, South, East, and West made obvious with bold letters engraved into the stone at each of the points of the compass. I watch you in your confusion, trying to make sense of it all. Of why I am making this for you of all things.

And in my bed, you in my arms, I close my eyes, breathe deep, let my head rest back on the pillows propping me up, and conjure myself for you. I am whole and strong and complete, no bruises or oxygen mask in sight. I stride over to you, smiling warmly. I smile. You smile too, though you look as if you might burst into tears at any moment.

Please don't. I do so hate to see you cry.

I smile to myself, listening to my excitable zanpaktou. Though I can't blame her. She is only mirroring my own childish excitement over making you happy.

_Is it time, Aizen-sama?_

My smile widens.

_Yes. Now._

And in the illusion I wave my hand, and together as man and sword we push the dominoes over. Although Kyouka lets me take all the credit.

I dry the river and the seas for you. The waters shrink and evaporate. The soft wet mud underneath becoming cracked and dry as if suffering from years of drought.

I crumble the mountains into dust for you. Great hulks of stone sloughing off great pieces that crash down to earth. Disintegrating into a fine dust as they roll down the stone and blown off on a gust of wind like autumn leaves until nothing remains of those once mighty mountains but the dust and sand in the air around us.

And lastly... Lastly, in the wastelands of Huecco Mundo, I make the sun rise in the west for you.

I want to chuckle, though it would hurt me, at you puzzling it out in the dreamscape. Your gaze shifting between the stone compass under your feet and the sunrise. But the penny does drop. And the look of utter shock when you realise my plan is priceless.

As is your joy when you see me appear beside you, whole and strong and complete with my memories of you in their rightful place.

I can't be in there with you, though I would like to be. But all powers have limits, even mine. I do regret that this is Kyouka Suigetsu's one drawback: I can delude everyone, except myself. Although really, I've done quite well at that without her help. One night with you... ha. Who was I kidding?

Trying to cut you out of my life and distracting myself with Hinamori... What was I thinking?

But then, I'm in no fit state to do anything even if I could be inside the illusion with you. I can't even breathe on my own. My vocal chords are shot. I couldn't even kiss you without needing oxygen. So this will have to do for now. I just hope a ghost of me will suffice, until I can truly make this up to you.

I turn my attention to you, as you take it all in.

"This aint real." you whisper, shaking your head. I only smile at you, and because in this illusion I have speech, I answer you. Echoing your words from long ago.

"It is real enough."

You just shake your head again. "Then this's a dream. Or maybe I'm dead and I jus' don' know it yet. Maybe I'm with ya in the afterlife."

I smile mischievously, unable to resist teasing you.

"Or maybe I refused to enter the afterlife without you." I say, "Did you think of that? Perhaps I told Death to go and fuck himself and came back here to wait for you."

I watch you smile softly. "Yeh, that sounds like you."

I smile again. And the three words you have craved off me for decades, the words I want to say so badly now, stick in my throat. The words you had to wrest control from me to get out of me. The words you had to do so much and fight so hard for. Words you had to fuck out of me in the end. But it doesn't matter. There are four words I can say that translate the meaning perfectly.

I reach across the small distance between us and touched your cheek, nothing but tenderness in my touch. "Moon of my life."

I watch you stagger. Shocked. Struck dumb. You were not prepared for those words. It takes all your effort just to breathe and remain upright, to clear your throat and find your voice again. But your smile at the endearment comes naturally to you. As does your response to it. Your answering words soft and natural, and full of love you have only ever shown to me.

"My sun and stars."

I see you smile. And in the illusion you kiss me. Like a starving man given a slice of bread. A man dying of thirst in the desert given water. Guilt wrenches at me.

How starved for me you must have been.

In the real world, I brush away a tear from your eye. The First of many. I sigh.  _You better not be crying again unless are tears of joy,_ I tell you,  _or else._

I feel my body relax, tension in my muscles dissipating when you tell me they are. Stroke your head softly as I calm again. Listening to you laugh and cry in the illusion.

"My sun," you murmur in your dreamlike state. A smile on your face. Laughing and sobbing and kissing me in the illusion.

"My sun. My sun and stars... Sousuke, sun an' stars..."

_My sun._  The words reverberate around my skull.  _My sun, my sun, my sun._  And I-

My breath catches, lodges in my throat. I clutch you tighter to me. Shut my eyes. Feel my Body tense. My throat tightens and I have to  _force_  air in and out my lungs, drag deep painful breaths into me. Shoving them out. Fogging the mask on my face. Heart monitor beeping loud, fast and incessantly. My heart morphs into a wild animal, trying to escape the cage of my ribs. I squeeze you close. But I cant hold you close enough. You're far away in illusion land. And I can only sit and try to breathe and wish to every god in  _existence_  that I could be in there with you. It grows hard to even  _breathe,_  and the illusion falters, going fuzzy around the edges, though you are too focused on me to see it. And once again I have to tell myself to get a grip, to pull myself together, because it would not do for the illusion to shatter now because I went to pieces crying like a fucking child over something that should make me happy.

So I breathe deeply. Inhale deep and slow. Exhale deep and slow. Rinse and repeat until I have myself under control again. Until my focus returns to me.

Because you need this, I tell myself. You need this, and after so much sadness I want to see you smile again.

I have to smile at my own train of thought. At you.  _Well, you know me._  I grin, gently touching your cheek.  _I'm a sucker for that smile of yours._

So much so that I ended up bashing into a lamp post. Concussing myself. I still have the scars. That stupid lamp post... that goddamn  _fucking_  lamp post. Hirako mocked me for  _months_  after that. But it was worth it to have you sleep in my arms that night. Even if I did have to beg you to stay. You resisted, fearing the wrath of Unohana for lingering after visiting hours like any rational person, but you stayed for me. I'd deny it if anyone asked, of course. Blame it on the morphine and the pain drugs they pumped into me. But I did have a moment of weakness, then.

In the illusion and in my arms, you smile for me. You grip my clothes, murmuring and babbling in your dreamlike trance. Calling me the sun and the stars and trying and failing not to weep. A wave of tenderness crashes through me. I manage a soft smile for you, one I mirror in the illusion. And again I wonder, what is it you see in a fool like me?

I'll have to ask you when my voice returns. Because during most, if not all of our time together, I've played with your heart, toyed with you, hurt you, forgotten you, betrayed you... broken your heart.

I do wonder why you put up with me sometimes. Any sane person would have walked away long ago.

But then, I suppose insanity becomes redundant when one is in love. I know mine did.

Though I am grateful you do put up with me. That you've stuck with me through everything. Forgiven me for my betrayal and forgettings. I know I don't deserve it. I know you should curse me for a cur and kick me to the curb for all the things I've put you through. But I'm glad you're still here. Still clutching onto me. Still calling me the sun and the stars and throwing your lot in with mine, for better or for worse, in sickness and health,  _til death do us part._ Still making me happy after so many decades.

Kyouka tells me I should rest now, to give my wracked body time to heal. But I can't. I want to make the sun set in the east for you. Complete the illusion. Give you what you've been starved of for so long. And I still want to hold you like this for just a while longer.

Because I know I am a fool and an idiot and I know I don't deserve you... but, I love you. You changed my life. And I'll be damned if I'll ever let you go again.


End file.
